Guilt and Anger

This is from my prayer journal yesterday. As was I was writing it out I felt compelled to share it. I'm not sure why. A little back story before you read it. We were not trying to get pregnant. We were trying not to get pregnant. I had an IUD put in the spring before. However, the IUD was pushed too far and was sitting far from where it needed to be to do any good. We didn't know that and were quite surprised by the results of the pregnancy test....so to sum up, we were pregnant because of a midwife's mistake. I also want to tell you why we were planning on being done. I get terrible varicose veins when I am pregnant. Extremely painful almost from the start of the pregnancy. In fact that is what made me suspect pregnancy this time. Anyway, we knew the pain in my legs would be horrible, so we planned on stopping with number three.

"Father today I bring to you the guilt that I feel. I feel guilty Lord for not wanting to be pregnant with a fourth baby. I feel guilty for being angry about it, for not being excited right away and for not realizing the blessing that he was immediately. Forgive me Father for being ungrateful for your gift. Is that why Lord? Was it because I was ungrateful? Was it because I wasn't excited? Was it something I did? I'm angry at myself. I'm angry that I was mad. I'm angry I wasn't excited. I'm angry that I didn't see the blessing right away. I knew in my mind that he was a blessing and I knew that I would get excited, but there were those first few weeks, where I just wasn't excited and wasn't happy. Am I being punished? Father I don't think that is the kind of God you are. I don't think you would do that. I guess I won't know that answers, but asking somehow helps."

So, now I'm asking myself if I could do it again would I? I mean if I could make it so that I didn't ever experience my pregnancy with Jonathan would I? I don't know how answer that.

This Secret Club

It has been said often that those of us who have lost a child are a part of the club. The club is a very secretive club. I have no clue who all is in this club. I know a few, those who have identified themselves. We don't have matching t-shirts or brightly colored hats. We don't see a stranger at the mall and know that because of color of her purse, she in the club. It isn't part of our introduction of ourselves. "Hello, I'm Naomi, I have 3 beautiful girls, an amazing husband and a baby in heaven." We just don't say it.

I was recently at my MOPS meeting and wondered, how many in the room were part of this club? How many of them, somewhere inside were hurting and not talking about it? Why is it that something that happens to so many of us, isn't talked about? Are we protecting others and ourselves? Death is never easy to talk about. We also don't include in our introductions, "Hello, I'm ____, I have 3 kids, a wonderful husband, my mom died when I was 20 years old." So I guess it's normal to not talk about my loss too. Actually, it might be an awfully sad world if we all did! Never mind, forget I said anything.

I have found some basic ribbon pins online that would be a discrete way to let others know of infant loss without broadcasting my sorrows. Shoot, I'm already broadcasting my sorrows, maybe I should just go for the goofy hat.

The Boy Potty Book

We were at the library today. My 5 year old wanted to bring home a book about teaching boys to go potty. I said, "No. We don't need that book. We don't have a boy to teach about going potty, so put it back. We'll leave it here for someone who needs it" I could sense the bitterness in my voice. I'm not sure if anyone else would have noticed, but I knew it was there. There was a librarian near by. She probably thought I was an uptight mom who didn't want her little girl looking at the pictures in the boy book. In reality, that is probably what my 5 y.o. wanted. She don't see boys all that often, she is quite curious. But I just didn't want the book in my house right now.

It's funny that I really never know when it's going to hit me. I guess it's reasonable for a boy's potty book to bother me though. I would need it, after having 3 girls and growing up with a sister, I have no clue how teach a boy to go potty! That would have been Tim's job! But, as it is, I will teach 3 girls to use the bathroom and I will have the BIG TALK with 3 girls. Oh Lord help me!

The Grief of Our Parents

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how all of this has affected our parents. We hear over and over that the greatest loss is losing your own child. I also know that none of us want bad things to happen to our children and we grieve when they do. So I have tried to imagine how painful this all must be for my parents and Tim's parents. They have lost a grandson, which by it's self is painful no doubt, but to also watch Tim and I go through this horrible pain. So how do they deal with grieving their own loss and the hurt that comes with watching us go through our loss and try to be the supportive parent? At least no one expected me to be supportive!

So to our parents, thank you. Thank you for being brave for us, thank you for crying for us and with us. While your tears do hurt me, they also heal. Thank you letting us talk about Jonathan and for not making us talk about him. Mostly, thank you for your prayers. They are being answered everyday.

Please remember him

I think one thing, that I want most, is for people to remember my son. He's going to be forgotten in this world. I know, most of us are, we're not all Mozart's or George Washington's. But my fear is that when Tim and I are gone from this earth, no one will remember him. Bria, his oldest sister, does remember, but for how long will she? Adriann and Kyla, his next older two sisters, certainly don't remember him.

I've made him a scrapbook, just like my three girls have. They each have one that is much like a traditional baby book, documenting the first year of their lives. His holds the story of my pregnancy, his birth story and the amazing, wonderful pictures that Julie, from NILMDTS took. I've put many of the sympathy cards in there, as well as some that I have gotten more recently. The sermon that Tim shared at his memorial service is in the book. That is his life here. His entire life on earth is in one 12x12 book. I guess the book is my way of keeping his memory.

** I want to share that I wrote the above two paragraphs about 2 weeks ago, but didn't feel it was the right time to post them. Tonight, as I was rereading them, I felt God's comfort, peace, and reassurance as he told me what I have written below**

But Jonathan's life is eternal. We have eternal life with Christ! The joys of his days can not be counted (only joys, no tears in heaven, no sadness!). The bible does say that we will know each other in heaven. I guess that means that not only will Tim and I know him, but others will too. He is not forgotten in heaven.

Random Ramblings

Jonathan would have turned 8 months old this week. The other day, on his birthday, I met two new babies. One was 9 months and the other 7 months. Each time I thought to myself (no need to say these things out loud and freak out moms) 'He's about Jonathan's age, of course, Jonathan would not have been that big yet. If he had survived that May birthdate, he would still be a tiny peanut for his age.'

I've been following a CaringBridge site for a little guy that was born at about 24 weeks. It has been incredible to watch this little guy grow. It's been amazing to read the faith of the parents as they watch their son go through the daily ups and downs in the NICU. Someone asked me if it was hard to see him growing and surviving. No, not really. It's encouraging. I feel like I am watching him beat death. He is surviving and thriving. He is doing exactly what I certainly wish Jonathan had the opportunity to do, but that's not how it worked out. Sure, I'm sad for us, but I am delighted for this couple. If you think of it, you could pray for him, his name is Sam.

Ok, on the don't say things to new moms note. I really have watched too many movies and Without a Trace episodes. Sometimes I really do think that if I were to tell one of these women what happened to me, they would get all nervous that I would take their baby! Can't you just picture it. I reveal my life and they clutch their baby closer, not so much out of joy that they have their baby, but fear of the crazy lady they just met. Have a laugh at my expense!

Hope

Psalm 40:1-3, the verse that I have held on to since we lost Jonathan, says in verse 3 "He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."

Since that time I have been asking the Lord to heal my heart and give me joy, a new song to sing. (but don't worry, I won't literally sing) I have waited for him to answer this prayer. I have felt despair, as though the Lord was not hearing me. I have wavered in the confidence that I have that he does listen.

BUT today I have hope! Today I read this verse: Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy. No shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. Psalm 34:5-6

I want a new song to sing so that others will be amazed at what the Lord has done. Then they will put their trust in the Lord. Others coming to Christ is the only really Glory that I can see in this. I don't know that I can say "it would all be worth it" but I it would help me see how God uses all things to his glory.