I'm stealing this idea from my friend, but I needed a list tonight to help turn my grouchiness around!
rice krispie bars
purple
hot chocolate with marshmellows
comfy clothes
watching my kids laugh (laughing with them too)
listening to my five year old read
spending time with my husband
shopping
great memories of roomies gone by
hanging out with friends
good coffee
magazines
alone time at the coffee shop
bike rides
walking to the park
flying kites with the girls
scrapbooking
seeing MOPS grow at Faith
helping at the food outreach
watching FRIENDS everyday on syndication!
Movies: Pretty Woman, While You Were Sleeping
sleeping in
getting ready in the morning with out interruption
choc. chip cookie dough
hearing the bird that lives in the birdhouse outside my window chirp
playing pretend with the girls
watching the squirrels play
flowers in the garden
snowmen
Sandra Boyton songs
It's a good start.....
Friday, February 22, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
A breakthrough
I've hung up pictures of Jonathan in our house. I've wanted to do this since I got the pictures from Julie with NILMDTS, but never felt ready. I've put two pictures in a collage frame. The frame holds about 40 pictures. It's a great frame, I love it! The pictures of Jonathan are in two corners and are not obvious. The frame hangs in our downstairs family room/playroom. Not a lot of non-family traffic. It's a small step, a breakthrough.
I want to put up pictures in the hallway where I have a few other great pictures of my girls. It's the hallway that we use about 27 times a day, so I would see them more often, anyone who comes to my house and uses my bathroom would see them. I'm not ready for that yet, but I'll get there.
I want to put up pictures in the hallway where I have a few other great pictures of my girls. It's the hallway that we use about 27 times a day, so I would see them more often, anyone who comes to my house and uses my bathroom would see them. I'm not ready for that yet, but I'll get there.
Oh that I would reveal my craziness....
My emotions have taken over. The past week has been difficult. We should have been marveling over a beautiful 9 month old boy last week. I'm sure that was the start of my emotional roller coaster. I've been more irritable, crying more easily, I've cared less about, well, anything. I've gotten overly emotional about stupid things.
Over that past 9 months I've had moments when I've thought perhaps I do have depression. Like the kind that is diagnosed. I have told myself that because it doesn't interfere with my daily life, that I don't meet the criteria. Maybe I should check my DSM again. I'm meeting with our church's counseling pastor tomorrow. I think that being a trained clinical social worker, I know when to stop sharing my feelings or down play them so as to not cause worry. Pray that I will be brave enough to reveal my honest feelings and not present a brave "healthy" front. I'm good at that.
Why do I care if I were labeled with depression? After all, I am living out most people's worst nightmare. What does it really matter?
added: I met with our pastor today. It was very good. I feel certain that I am moving toward health and am tackling what is coming at me. I think the depression days come and go and that is to be expected. Yesterday was a down day, today is better. The girls have a book by Kevin Henkes called Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse, in the book the teacher says to Lilly, "today was a tough day, tomorrow will be better." I am living out that statement!
Over that past 9 months I've had moments when I've thought perhaps I do have depression. Like the kind that is diagnosed. I have told myself that because it doesn't interfere with my daily life, that I don't meet the criteria. Maybe I should check my DSM again. I'm meeting with our church's counseling pastor tomorrow. I think that being a trained clinical social worker, I know when to stop sharing my feelings or down play them so as to not cause worry. Pray that I will be brave enough to reveal my honest feelings and not present a brave "healthy" front. I'm good at that.
Why do I care if I were labeled with depression? After all, I am living out most people's worst nightmare. What does it really matter?
added: I met with our pastor today. It was very good. I feel certain that I am moving toward health and am tackling what is coming at me. I think the depression days come and go and that is to be expected. Yesterday was a down day, today is better. The girls have a book by Kevin Henkes called Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse, in the book the teacher says to Lilly, "today was a tough day, tomorrow will be better." I am living out that statement!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Jonthan's Little Footprint
My 5 year old, Bria, had a play date today. As we were chatting about families, my darling said, "We have 6 people in our family. Our baby brother is in heaven." Her friend gave a bit of an odd look. Then, my 3 year old, Adriann said "Yeah, he's heaven. I don't know why."
Bria: he was born to early
friend: my mommy's cousin had a baby who is in heaven too.
my thought: oh good, she has some sort of context to put this in!
When the friends mom came to pick her up I felt I needed to share a bit about the conversation, just in case it comes up at the dinner table at their house.
It's amazing the stuff kids come up with. Bria hardly ever brings up Jonathan. She doesn't draw him in family pictures or anything. But here she felt the need. Maybe it's because her friend has two brothers, she may have felt the need to let it be known that she has a brother too. Good for her. Claim him proudly, he deserves it.
I was sharing with a friend yesterday, actually, she was encouraging me, about the pride we do have in our babies. My friend, Shaina, has also lost a baby. She was right. I am so proud of Jonathan. Every time I see his picture I beam with pride, just like a do with my girls. I still feel the sense of sadness and loss, but I feel the pride taking over. He was just so precious and has made a huge impact in our lives. He never saw us, we never saw his eyes, but I feel like I have looked deeply into them. I feel like I really do know him, despite the little that we did know.
I know that he was a thumb sucker, he was sucking his thumb in a couple of ultra sounds (when you have an IUD in a goofy place, you get a lot of ultra sounds). It is fun to know this partially because only one of our girls is a thumb sucker, Kyla, and she was also sucking away in the ultra sound. I know that he had the cutest nose and lips and in one picture of him and I can absolutely see the family resemblance to the girls.
In my mind he has a personality more like our middle daughter. She is more of an introvert. I have always had the sense that she lost a real buddy in Jonathan. I picture him as more of a book reader like Adriann, an observer. I don't know why. Maybe because that would be more descriptive of my husband. Maybe because the first and third girls are more extroverted like I am, so of course they would be evenly divided.
In one of my ultra sounds, the doctor was in the room and has he looked the image on the screen he said that this baby was going to do great things. The intern, the nurse and I began to speculate what those things could be. Tangible things like finding the cure for cancer, professional sports, Computer genius (Steve Jobs with Apple, not the other guy). All the kinds of things that the world values and would support his parents in our old age! Well, the doctor was right, Jonathan will do great things. He will have an impact.
Bria: he was born to early
friend: my mommy's cousin had a baby who is in heaven too.
my thought: oh good, she has some sort of context to put this in!
When the friends mom came to pick her up I felt I needed to share a bit about the conversation, just in case it comes up at the dinner table at their house.
It's amazing the stuff kids come up with. Bria hardly ever brings up Jonathan. She doesn't draw him in family pictures or anything. But here she felt the need. Maybe it's because her friend has two brothers, she may have felt the need to let it be known that she has a brother too. Good for her. Claim him proudly, he deserves it.
I was sharing with a friend yesterday, actually, she was encouraging me, about the pride we do have in our babies. My friend, Shaina, has also lost a baby. She was right. I am so proud of Jonathan. Every time I see his picture I beam with pride, just like a do with my girls. I still feel the sense of sadness and loss, but I feel the pride taking over. He was just so precious and has made a huge impact in our lives. He never saw us, we never saw his eyes, but I feel like I have looked deeply into them. I feel like I really do know him, despite the little that we did know.
I know that he was a thumb sucker, he was sucking his thumb in a couple of ultra sounds (when you have an IUD in a goofy place, you get a lot of ultra sounds). It is fun to know this partially because only one of our girls is a thumb sucker, Kyla, and she was also sucking away in the ultra sound. I know that he had the cutest nose and lips and in one picture of him and I can absolutely see the family resemblance to the girls.
In my mind he has a personality more like our middle daughter. She is more of an introvert. I have always had the sense that she lost a real buddy in Jonathan. I picture him as more of a book reader like Adriann, an observer. I don't know why. Maybe because that would be more descriptive of my husband. Maybe because the first and third girls are more extroverted like I am, so of course they would be evenly divided.
In one of my ultra sounds, the doctor was in the room and has he looked the image on the screen he said that this baby was going to do great things. The intern, the nurse and I began to speculate what those things could be. Tangible things like finding the cure for cancer, professional sports, Computer genius (Steve Jobs with Apple, not the other guy). All the kinds of things that the world values and would support his parents in our old age! Well, the doctor was right, Jonathan will do great things. He will have an impact.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Guilt and Anger
This is from my prayer journal yesterday. As was I was writing it out I felt compelled to share it. I'm not sure why. A little back story before you read it. We were not trying to get pregnant. We were trying not to get pregnant. I had an IUD put in the spring before. However, the IUD was pushed too far and was sitting far from where it needed to be to do any good. We didn't know that and were quite surprised by the results of the pregnancy test....so to sum up, we were pregnant because of a midwife's mistake. I also want to tell you why we were planning on being done. I get terrible varicose veins when I am pregnant. Extremely painful almost from the start of the pregnancy. In fact that is what made me suspect pregnancy this time. Anyway, we knew the pain in my legs would be horrible, so we planned on stopping with number three.
"Father today I bring to you the guilt that I feel. I feel guilty Lord for not wanting to be pregnant with a fourth baby. I feel guilty for being angry about it, for not being excited right away and for not realizing the blessing that he was immediately. Forgive me Father for being ungrateful for your gift. Is that why Lord? Was it because I was ungrateful? Was it because I wasn't excited? Was it something I did? I'm angry at myself. I'm angry that I was mad. I'm angry I wasn't excited. I'm angry that I didn't see the blessing right away. I knew in my mind that he was a blessing and I knew that I would get excited, but there were those first few weeks, where I just wasn't excited and wasn't happy. Am I being punished? Father I don't think that is the kind of God you are. I don't think you would do that. I guess I won't know that answers, but asking somehow helps."
So, now I'm asking myself if I could do it again would I? I mean if I could make it so that I didn't ever experience my pregnancy with Jonathan would I? I don't know how answer that.
"Father today I bring to you the guilt that I feel. I feel guilty Lord for not wanting to be pregnant with a fourth baby. I feel guilty for being angry about it, for not being excited right away and for not realizing the blessing that he was immediately. Forgive me Father for being ungrateful for your gift. Is that why Lord? Was it because I was ungrateful? Was it because I wasn't excited? Was it something I did? I'm angry at myself. I'm angry that I was mad. I'm angry I wasn't excited. I'm angry that I didn't see the blessing right away. I knew in my mind that he was a blessing and I knew that I would get excited, but there were those first few weeks, where I just wasn't excited and wasn't happy. Am I being punished? Father I don't think that is the kind of God you are. I don't think you would do that. I guess I won't know that answers, but asking somehow helps."
So, now I'm asking myself if I could do it again would I? I mean if I could make it so that I didn't ever experience my pregnancy with Jonathan would I? I don't know how answer that.
Friday, February 1, 2008
This Secret Club
It has been said often that those of us who have lost a child are a part of the club. The club is a very secretive club. I have no clue who all is in this club. I know a few, those who have identified themselves. We don't have matching t-shirts or brightly colored hats. We don't see a stranger at the mall and know that because of color of her purse, she in the club. It isn't part of our introduction of ourselves. "Hello, I'm Naomi, I have 3 beautiful girls, an amazing husband and a baby in heaven." We just don't say it.
I was recently at my MOPS meeting and wondered, how many in the room were part of this club? How many of them, somewhere inside were hurting and not talking about it? Why is it that something that happens to so many of us, isn't talked about? Are we protecting others and ourselves? Death is never easy to talk about. We also don't include in our introductions, "Hello, I'm ____, I have 3 kids, a wonderful husband, my mom died when I was 20 years old." So I guess it's normal to not talk about my loss too. Actually, it might be an awfully sad world if we all did! Never mind, forget I said anything.
I have found some basic ribbon pins online that would be a discrete way to let others know of infant loss without broadcasting my sorrows. Shoot, I'm already broadcasting my sorrows, maybe I should just go for the goofy hat.
I was recently at my MOPS meeting and wondered, how many in the room were part of this club? How many of them, somewhere inside were hurting and not talking about it? Why is it that something that happens to so many of us, isn't talked about? Are we protecting others and ourselves? Death is never easy to talk about. We also don't include in our introductions, "Hello, I'm ____, I have 3 kids, a wonderful husband, my mom died when I was 20 years old." So I guess it's normal to not talk about my loss too. Actually, it might be an awfully sad world if we all did! Never mind, forget I said anything.
I have found some basic ribbon pins online that would be a discrete way to let others know of infant loss without broadcasting my sorrows. Shoot, I'm already broadcasting my sorrows, maybe I should just go for the goofy hat.
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