Saturday, July 26, 2008

Signing off, officially....

When I started this blog, I did it because I felt lead and I figured it would help me grieve. I also thought it would help my friends and family to better understand what this loss feels like and to know how I was doing. It's been over a year since we lost Jonathan and I no longer feel the need to blog about the loss. I'm not over it. I never really will be, but I'm moving on and enjoying the lives I have around me. Thanks for reading and thanks for sharing in my journey this far.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

The last couple of weeks have been alright. Even though the 10 month anniversary and Easter fell in the same week. Easter was a bit tough. The church we were at had a big door on the stage for those who had decided to follow Jesus in the past year to walk through, symbolizing the new door they have walked through in their life. That sort of thing gets me a bit teary eyed anyway, just seeing all the new believers. BUT, toward the end of the procession a mom walked through with her little boy. He was maybe 6 or 8 years old. Old enough to decide to follow Jesus or possibly just going through with his mother. My thoughts circled around how special for that mom to walk through with her son and I pray that we will be celebrating decisions like that with our girls in the next few years. I couldn't help but wander to the part of my brain that holds all the "I'll never get to do that with my son." thoughts.
I think one of the things that I mourn the most is not having that mother/son relationship. I know, I wouldn't have had that anyway, we have three girls. But somehow, expecting a son and all that joys that come with that, makes it harder to think that I won't have that. I've often heard how special that relationship is and when I didn't think I'd ever have that (pre-pregnancy with Jonathan), I didn't mind. But now, it hurts my heart.

At church tonight our pastor spoke about persistance in prayer. He mentioned that sometimes God answer is no. When he said that I realized that God's answer to our prayer to keep Jonathan safe when I was not doing well was "no". It has really helped me begin to frame our loss and what I've learned on a foundation on sorts. Of course the firm foundation is always Jesus and what he has done for us, but that's pretty broad in some ways. I feel like this part of my life starts with answering the question of what happens when God says no, to a big prayer.
I think this will help me frame my story for sharing with others. My friend Shelley said that maybe when I was scheduled to speak at church, but was too sick to do it was God saying not now. I think she was right. I never felt like what I had prepared was just the right way to say it. Maybe now, it will come together more naturally.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Please Pray for me!

I may be sharing Jonathan's story and what God has taught me through all of this at church tomorrow night. Please pray that if I do share that I would hold it together enough for people to understand me! Also, that something in my story would would cause others to see that even when our life is horrible and painful and it seems like God is absent, he is there and he loves us. Thanks so much. The services are later posted on the church's website. When it's posted I'll include a link so you all can hear how it went. If, that is I do indeed share.
I won't be sharing tonight. I am sick. no voice. no talking. bummer.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Things that make me happy

I'm stealing this idea from my friend, but I needed a list tonight to help turn my grouchiness around!

rice krispie bars
hot chocolate with marshmellows
comfy clothes
watching my kids laugh (laughing with them too)
listening to my five year old read
spending time with my husband
great memories of roomies gone by
hanging out with friends
good coffee
alone time at the coffee shop
bike rides
walking to the park
flying kites with the girls
seeing MOPS grow at Faith
helping at the food outreach
watching FRIENDS everyday on syndication!
Movies: Pretty Woman, While You Were Sleeping
sleeping in
getting ready in the morning with out interruption
choc. chip cookie dough
hearing the bird that lives in the birdhouse outside my window chirp
playing pretend with the girls
watching the squirrels play
flowers in the garden
Sandra Boyton songs

It's a good start.....

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A breakthrough

I've hung up pictures of Jonathan in our house. I've wanted to do this since I got the pictures from Julie with NILMDTS, but never felt ready. I've put two pictures in a collage frame. The frame holds about 40 pictures. It's a great frame, I love it! The pictures of Jonathan are in two corners and are not obvious. The frame hangs in our downstairs family room/playroom. Not a lot of non-family traffic. It's a small step, a breakthrough.

I want to put up pictures in the hallway where I have a few other great pictures of my girls. It's the hallway that we use about 27 times a day, so I would see them more often, anyone who comes to my house and uses my bathroom would see them. I'm not ready for that yet, but I'll get there.

Oh that I would reveal my craziness....

My emotions have taken over. The past week has been difficult. We should have been marveling over a beautiful 9 month old boy last week. I'm sure that was the start of my emotional roller coaster. I've been more irritable, crying more easily, I've cared less about, well, anything. I've gotten overly emotional about stupid things.
Over that past 9 months I've had moments when I've thought perhaps I do have depression. Like the kind that is diagnosed. I have told myself that because it doesn't interfere with my daily life, that I don't meet the criteria. Maybe I should check my DSM again. I'm meeting with our church's counseling pastor tomorrow. I think that being a trained clinical social worker, I know when to stop sharing my feelings or down play them so as to not cause worry. Pray that I will be brave enough to reveal my honest feelings and not present a brave "healthy" front. I'm good at that.
Why do I care if I were labeled with depression? After all, I am living out most people's worst nightmare. What does it really matter?

added: I met with our pastor today. It was very good. I feel certain that I am moving toward health and am tackling what is coming at me. I think the depression days come and go and that is to be expected. Yesterday was a down day, today is better. The girls have a book by Kevin Henkes called Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse, in the book the teacher says to Lilly, "today was a tough day, tomorrow will be better." I am living out that statement!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Jonthan's Little Footprint

My 5 year old, Bria, had a play date today. As we were chatting about families, my darling said, "We have 6 people in our family. Our baby brother is in heaven." Her friend gave a bit of an odd look. Then, my 3 year old, Adriann said "Yeah, he's heaven. I don't know why."
Bria: he was born to early
friend: my mommy's cousin had a baby who is in heaven too.
my thought: oh good, she has some sort of context to put this in!

When the friends mom came to pick her up I felt I needed to share a bit about the conversation, just in case it comes up at the dinner table at their house.

It's amazing the stuff kids come up with. Bria hardly ever brings up Jonathan. She doesn't draw him in family pictures or anything. But here she felt the need. Maybe it's because her friend has two brothers, she may have felt the need to let it be known that she has a brother too. Good for her. Claim him proudly, he deserves it.

I was sharing with a friend yesterday, actually, she was encouraging me, about the pride we do have in our babies. My friend, Shaina, has also lost a baby. She was right. I am so proud of Jonathan. Every time I see his picture I beam with pride, just like a do with my girls. I still feel the sense of sadness and loss, but I feel the pride taking over. He was just so precious and has made a huge impact in our lives. He never saw us, we never saw his eyes, but I feel like I have looked deeply into them. I feel like I really do know him, despite the little that we did know.

I know that he was a thumb sucker, he was sucking his thumb in a couple of ultra sounds (when you have an IUD in a goofy place, you get a lot of ultra sounds). It is fun to know this partially because only one of our girls is a thumb sucker, Kyla, and she was also sucking away in the ultra sound. I know that he had the cutest nose and lips and in one picture of him and I can absolutely see the family resemblance to the girls.

In my mind he has a personality more like our middle daughter. She is more of an introvert. I have always had the sense that she lost a real buddy in Jonathan. I picture him as more of a book reader like Adriann, an observer. I don't know why. Maybe because that would be more descriptive of my husband. Maybe because the first and third girls are more extroverted like I am, so of course they would be evenly divided.

In one of my ultra sounds, the doctor was in the room and has he looked the image on the screen he said that this baby was going to do great things. The intern, the nurse and I began to speculate what those things could be. Tangible things like finding the cure for cancer, professional sports, Computer genius (Steve Jobs with Apple, not the other guy). All the kinds of things that the world values and would support his parents in our old age! Well, the doctor was right, Jonathan will do great things. He will have an impact.