The last couple of weeks have been alright. Even though the 10 month anniversary and Easter fell in the same week. Easter was a bit tough. The church we were at had a big door on the stage for those who had decided to follow Jesus in the past year to walk through, symbolizing the new door they have walked through in their life. That sort of thing gets me a bit teary eyed anyway, just seeing all the new believers. BUT, toward the end of the procession a mom walked through with her little boy. He was maybe 6 or 8 years old. Old enough to decide to follow Jesus or possibly just going through with his mother. My thoughts circled around how special for that mom to walk through with her son and I pray that we will be celebrating decisions like that with our girls in the next few years. I couldn't help but wander to the part of my brain that holds all the "I'll never get to do that with my son." thoughts.
I think one of the things that I mourn the most is not having that mother/son relationship. I know, I wouldn't have had that anyway, we have three girls. But somehow, expecting a son and all that joys that come with that, makes it harder to think that I won't have that. I've often heard how special that relationship is and when I didn't think I'd ever have that (pre-pregnancy with Jonathan), I didn't mind. But now, it hurts my heart.

At church tonight our pastor spoke about persistance in prayer. He mentioned that sometimes God answer is no. When he said that I realized that God's answer to our prayer to keep Jonathan safe when I was not doing well was "no". It has really helped me begin to frame our loss and what I've learned on a foundation on sorts. Of course the firm foundation is always Jesus and what he has done for us, but that's pretty broad in some ways. I feel like this part of my life starts with answering the question of what happens when God says no, to a big prayer.
I think this will help me frame my story for sharing with others. My friend Shelley said that maybe when I was scheduled to speak at church, but was too sick to do it was God saying not now. I think she was right. I never felt like what I had prepared was just the right way to say it. Maybe now, it will come together more naturally.

Please Pray for me!

I may be sharing Jonathan's story and what God has taught me through all of this at church tomorrow night. Please pray that if I do share that I would hold it together enough for people to understand me! Also, that something in my story would would cause others to see that even when our life is horrible and painful and it seems like God is absent, he is there and he loves us. Thanks so much. The services are later posted on the church's website. When it's posted I'll include a link so you all can hear how it went. If, that is I do indeed share.
***********
I won't be sharing tonight. I am sick. no voice. no talking. bummer.