This is from my prayer journal yesterday. As was I was writing it out I felt compelled to share it. I'm not sure why. A little back story before you read it. We were not trying to get pregnant. We were trying not to get pregnant. I had an IUD put in the spring before. However, the IUD was pushed too far and was sitting far from where it needed to be to do any good. We didn't know that and were quite surprised by the results of the pregnancy test....so to sum up, we were pregnant because of a midwife's mistake. I also want to tell you why we were planning on being done. I get terrible varicose veins when I am pregnant. Extremely painful almost from the start of the pregnancy. In fact that is what made me suspect pregnancy this time. Anyway, we knew the pain in my legs would be horrible, so we planned on stopping with number three.
"Father today I bring to you the guilt that I feel. I feel guilty Lord for not wanting to be pregnant with a fourth baby. I feel guilty for being angry about it, for not being excited right away and for not realizing the blessing that he was immediately. Forgive me Father for being ungrateful for your gift. Is that why Lord? Was it because I was ungrateful? Was it because I wasn't excited? Was it something I did? I'm angry at myself. I'm angry that I was mad. I'm angry I wasn't excited. I'm angry that I didn't see the blessing right away. I knew in my mind that he was a blessing and I knew that I would get excited, but there were those first few weeks, where I just wasn't excited and wasn't happy. Am I being punished? Father I don't think that is the kind of God you are. I don't think you would do that. I guess I won't know that answers, but asking somehow helps."
So, now I'm asking myself if I could do it again would I? I mean if I could make it so that I didn't ever experience my pregnancy with Jonathan would I? I don't know how answer that.
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3 comments:
I wish there was something I could say to take the guilt away. But I can't. I, too, feel guilt over S's death for a variety of reasons. Deep down I agree with you that God isn't like that. He is not punishing us. However, for me personally, that has not helped me release my guilt. I'm hoping one day it will.
I know God was NOT punishing you, but we live in a fallen world where things go wrong. Why God allowed it I don't know, but maybe one of Jonathan's, thinking about your posting later, great things is what he has and is doing in your life by being in your life for that too short time I know good things are happening in the midst of this terrible sadness! By the way I have 8 grandchildren, one just got to heaven before the rest of them! Love you,
oh my.....there are no words, tears are streaming down my face.... i had no idea... God does not punish us, if he did i'd be the prime example! i KNOW with out a doubt that ALL things work together for good for those who ,love God- for you i can't fathom HOW but they have to!!
i am so sad about losing Jonathan, but it's NOT because of your initial feelings......
love
m
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