We were at the library today. My 5 year old wanted to bring home a book about teaching boys to go potty. I said, "No. We don't need that book. We don't have a boy to teach about going potty, so put it back. We'll leave it here for someone who needs it" I could sense the bitterness in my voice. I'm not sure if anyone else would have noticed, but I knew it was there. There was a librarian near by. She probably thought I was an uptight mom who didn't want her little girl looking at the pictures in the boy book. In reality, that is probably what my 5 y.o. wanted. She don't see boys all that often, she is quite curious. But I just didn't want the book in my house right now.
It's funny that I really never know when it's going to hit me. I guess it's reasonable for a boy's potty book to bother me though. I would need it, after having 3 girls and growing up with a sister, I have no clue how teach a boy to go potty! That would have been Tim's job! But, as it is, I will teach 3 girls to use the bathroom and I will have the BIG TALK with 3 girls. Oh Lord help me!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The Grief of Our Parents
Lately I've been thinking a lot about how all of this has affected our parents. We hear over and over that the greatest loss is losing your own child. I also know that none of us want bad things to happen to our children and we grieve when they do. So I have tried to imagine how painful this all must be for my parents and Tim's parents. They have lost a grandson, which by it's self is painful no doubt, but to also watch Tim and I go through this horrible pain. So how do they deal with grieving their own loss and the hurt that comes with watching us go through our loss and try to be the supportive parent? At least no one expected me to be supportive!
So to our parents, thank you. Thank you for being brave for us, thank you for crying for us and with us. While your tears do hurt me, they also heal. Thank you letting us talk about Jonathan and for not making us talk about him. Mostly, thank you for your prayers. They are being answered everyday.
So to our parents, thank you. Thank you for being brave for us, thank you for crying for us and with us. While your tears do hurt me, they also heal. Thank you letting us talk about Jonathan and for not making us talk about him. Mostly, thank you for your prayers. They are being answered everyday.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Please remember him
I think one thing, that I want most, is for people to remember my son. He's going to be forgotten in this world. I know, most of us are, we're not all Mozart's or George Washington's. But my fear is that when Tim and I are gone from this earth, no one will remember him. Bria, his oldest sister, does remember, but for how long will she? Adriann and Kyla, his next older two sisters, certainly don't remember him.
I've made him a scrapbook, just like my three girls have. They each have one that is much like a traditional baby book, documenting the first year of their lives. His holds the story of my pregnancy, his birth story and the amazing, wonderful pictures that Julie, from NILMDTS took. I've put many of the sympathy cards in there, as well as some that I have gotten more recently. The sermon that Tim shared at his memorial service is in the book. That is his life here. His entire life on earth is in one 12x12 book. I guess the book is my way of keeping his memory.
** I want to share that I wrote the above two paragraphs about 2 weeks ago, but didn't feel it was the right time to post them. Tonight, as I was rereading them, I felt God's comfort, peace, and reassurance as he told me what I have written below**
But Jonathan's life is eternal. We have eternal life with Christ! The joys of his days can not be counted (only joys, no tears in heaven, no sadness!). The bible does say that we will know each other in heaven. I guess that means that not only will Tim and I know him, but others will too. He is not forgotten in heaven.
I've made him a scrapbook, just like my three girls have. They each have one that is much like a traditional baby book, documenting the first year of their lives. His holds the story of my pregnancy, his birth story and the amazing, wonderful pictures that Julie, from NILMDTS took. I've put many of the sympathy cards in there, as well as some that I have gotten more recently. The sermon that Tim shared at his memorial service is in the book. That is his life here. His entire life on earth is in one 12x12 book. I guess the book is my way of keeping his memory.
** I want to share that I wrote the above two paragraphs about 2 weeks ago, but didn't feel it was the right time to post them. Tonight, as I was rereading them, I felt God's comfort, peace, and reassurance as he told me what I have written below**
But Jonathan's life is eternal. We have eternal life with Christ! The joys of his days can not be counted (only joys, no tears in heaven, no sadness!). The bible does say that we will know each other in heaven. I guess that means that not only will Tim and I know him, but others will too. He is not forgotten in heaven.
Random Ramblings
Jonathan would have turned 8 months old this week. The other day, on his birthday, I met two new babies. One was 9 months and the other 7 months. Each time I thought to myself (no need to say these things out loud and freak out moms) 'He's about Jonathan's age, of course, Jonathan would not have been that big yet. If he had survived that May birthdate, he would still be a tiny peanut for his age.'
I've been following a CaringBridge site for a little guy that was born at about 24 weeks. It has been incredible to watch this little guy grow. It's been amazing to read the faith of the parents as they watch their son go through the daily ups and downs in the NICU. Someone asked me if it was hard to see him growing and surviving. No, not really. It's encouraging. I feel like I am watching him beat death. He is surviving and thriving. He is doing exactly what I certainly wish Jonathan had the opportunity to do, but that's not how it worked out. Sure, I'm sad for us, but I am delighted for this couple. If you think of it, you could pray for him, his name is Sam.
Ok, on the don't say things to new moms note. I really have watched too many movies and Without a Trace episodes. Sometimes I really do think that if I were to tell one of these women what happened to me, they would get all nervous that I would take their baby! Can't you just picture it. I reveal my life and they clutch their baby closer, not so much out of joy that they have their baby, but fear of the crazy lady they just met. Have a laugh at my expense!
I've been following a CaringBridge site for a little guy that was born at about 24 weeks. It has been incredible to watch this little guy grow. It's been amazing to read the faith of the parents as they watch their son go through the daily ups and downs in the NICU. Someone asked me if it was hard to see him growing and surviving. No, not really. It's encouraging. I feel like I am watching him beat death. He is surviving and thriving. He is doing exactly what I certainly wish Jonathan had the opportunity to do, but that's not how it worked out. Sure, I'm sad for us, but I am delighted for this couple. If you think of it, you could pray for him, his name is Sam.
Ok, on the don't say things to new moms note. I really have watched too many movies and Without a Trace episodes. Sometimes I really do think that if I were to tell one of these women what happened to me, they would get all nervous that I would take their baby! Can't you just picture it. I reveal my life and they clutch their baby closer, not so much out of joy that they have their baby, but fear of the crazy lady they just met. Have a laugh at my expense!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Hope
Psalm 40:1-3, the verse that I have held on to since we lost Jonathan, says in verse 3 "He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."
Since that time I have been asking the Lord to heal my heart and give me joy, a new song to sing. (but don't worry, I won't literally sing) I have waited for him to answer this prayer. I have felt despair, as though the Lord was not hearing me. I have wavered in the confidence that I have that he does listen.
BUT today I have hope! Today I read this verse: Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy. No shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. Psalm 34:5-6
I want a new song to sing so that others will be amazed at what the Lord has done. Then they will put their trust in the Lord. Others coming to Christ is the only really Glory that I can see in this. I don't know that I can say "it would all be worth it" but I it would help me see how God uses all things to his glory.
Since that time I have been asking the Lord to heal my heart and give me joy, a new song to sing. (but don't worry, I won't literally sing) I have waited for him to answer this prayer. I have felt despair, as though the Lord was not hearing me. I have wavered in the confidence that I have that he does listen.
BUT today I have hope! Today I read this verse: Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy. No shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. Psalm 34:5-6
I want a new song to sing so that others will be amazed at what the Lord has done. Then they will put their trust in the Lord. Others coming to Christ is the only really Glory that I can see in this. I don't know that I can say "it would all be worth it" but I it would help me see how God uses all things to his glory.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Prayer
I'm leading a bible study on prayer. I think I may not be the best person to do this since I'm a bit cynical about prayer right now. I know in my heart of hearts that God answers prayer. I know that he only does the best for us. BUT, I did pray for my son. I prayed like crazy. Lots and lots of people prayed. I was anointed with oil while in the ICU and God did not answer my prayer. I asked him to protect my son and allow us to have a healthy child. So when I lead a study on prayer I feel a bit odd.
I did share this with the women in the group. I think they understand and will pray with me trough this. Interesting that the only real way to have my heart healed by the great creator is to pray, yet, sometimes I don't want to pray. I think to myself, I did that and it didn't work. Why do it again? God doesn't hear me.
So, I have to tell myself that God does hear me. He hears my cries and will answer me. The Bible promises me that over and over. He will heal my heart and restore our relationship. But when?
In 1 Samuel, I believe it is, King David has closed himself away with worry and grief over the illness of his infant son. When he hears that his son (with Bathsheba) died, he gets up and basically goes back to work (this is the Naomi paraphrase, it's much better in the actual book). He says something to the affect of, I will not be with him here, but will see him there. Meaning heaven of course. I think of this often and am hopeful of the day when, not only do I meet Jesus but also will hold or see my son. I wish we could have gotten Bathsheba's viewpoint on this one. Oh well, another question for when I get to heaven. Ohh, maybe I can get Francine Rivers to write a fictional novel, maybe she already has!
I did share this with the women in the group. I think they understand and will pray with me trough this. Interesting that the only real way to have my heart healed by the great creator is to pray, yet, sometimes I don't want to pray. I think to myself, I did that and it didn't work. Why do it again? God doesn't hear me.
So, I have to tell myself that God does hear me. He hears my cries and will answer me. The Bible promises me that over and over. He will heal my heart and restore our relationship. But when?
In 1 Samuel, I believe it is, King David has closed himself away with worry and grief over the illness of his infant son. When he hears that his son (with Bathsheba) died, he gets up and basically goes back to work (this is the Naomi paraphrase, it's much better in the actual book). He says something to the affect of, I will not be with him here, but will see him there. Meaning heaven of course. I think of this often and am hopeful of the day when, not only do I meet Jesus but also will hold or see my son. I wish we could have gotten Bathsheba's viewpoint on this one. Oh well, another question for when I get to heaven. Ohh, maybe I can get Francine Rivers to write a fictional novel, maybe she already has!
Monday, January 7, 2008
Faithful to Complete It
As I was chatting with a friend yesterday about some upcoming changes in her life, we briefly discussed some of the possibilities and listed a few. Then I said, but anything can happen. An outcome may appear that we never saw coming. I think that is a newer realization for me. Anything can happen. We really don't know what God has planned for us. I've learned that I don't know all the possible reasons or choices available or outcomes of any situation. I've learned to be open. I think this is something that some people are born with. They are just able to go with the flow. I tend to like to know what is happening next. So, even when I don't know, I pick a possibility and take the attitude of "that's probably what will happen or what we'll do, etc etc." Not so much now. I know anything is possible.
The rare case seemed to alway be the case where my pregnancy with Jonathan is concerned. It's extremely rare for the practitioner to push an IUD threw the uterus, but mine did. It's not generally the case that a complete placenta previa results in such heavy hemorrhaging, but my did. The doctors said that usually the bleeding will stop its self. Not mine. No one, not the admitting doctor or the nurses expected the outcome we had. It was all too rare. Since then when ever someone says to Tim or I that such and such is pretty rare, we look at each other with the knowing look, that says, "We are the rare case."
Anything is possible and the rare case occurring are times when we often see God at work. (Anything is possible - a virgin giving birth to God's son! Rare case- Jesus raising the little girl and Lazarus from the dead!) I trust that God is at work in me. He is faithful to complete it. God is faithful to complete his work in us. He wants the best for me (and you). I am still not sure how this brings the best for me, but I continue to trust in him. I may never see the best for me in this, but I know that God is a God who keeps his promises. He will complete a good work in me.
**Just a little side note. Generally when I get a little preaching in here, it really is more to remind myself or inform myself rather then me preaching to you the reader. The truths certainly apply to you too though!**
The rare case seemed to alway be the case where my pregnancy with Jonathan is concerned. It's extremely rare for the practitioner to push an IUD threw the uterus, but mine did. It's not generally the case that a complete placenta previa results in such heavy hemorrhaging, but my did. The doctors said that usually the bleeding will stop its self. Not mine. No one, not the admitting doctor or the nurses expected the outcome we had. It was all too rare. Since then when ever someone says to Tim or I that such and such is pretty rare, we look at each other with the knowing look, that says, "We are the rare case."
Anything is possible and the rare case occurring are times when we often see God at work. (Anything is possible - a virgin giving birth to God's son! Rare case- Jesus raising the little girl and Lazarus from the dead!) I trust that God is at work in me. He is faithful to complete it. God is faithful to complete his work in us. He wants the best for me (and you). I am still not sure how this brings the best for me, but I continue to trust in him. I may never see the best for me in this, but I know that God is a God who keeps his promises. He will complete a good work in me.
**Just a little side note. Generally when I get a little preaching in here, it really is more to remind myself or inform myself rather then me preaching to you the reader. The truths certainly apply to you too though!**
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