A litmus test

Sunday evening in church our pastor spoke on Joy. He emphasized the point that we are to find joy in all things. He spoke of a question from his former accountability group that asked, "Have you allowed any one or situation to rob you of your joy?" Well, as he was speaking and pointing out different areas that despite trouble, he or others were able to find or keep joy. I began to cry. Then he had a woman who chooses joy conscientiously everyday speak. Her talk made me cry more because, I have not found joy in losing my son. How do you do that? How does a baby dieing bring Glory to God? I was bawling by the end of the her talk and just about walked out.

As if the sermon and testimonial wasn't enough to send me over the edge, the worship leader chooses to close with the great song "I've traded my sorrows, I've traded my pain, I've laid them down for the joy of the Lord" Oh, help. I cry more and silently cry out to God, reminding him the I have begged him to take away the pain, I've tried to trade in my sorrow, but here it sits.

Sunday evening, Tim and I were talking about church and how we don't see the joy in this circumstance. Tim said that he has to believe that someday we will. God promises that. I know he is right, that one day we will see the joy in this, but right now it's simply not there.

Monday evening I had the opportunity to tell my pastor, who is a dear friend, that I simply have not found the joy in my circumstance. My friend, of course felt horrible for making me cry. I told him, what I did realize was, that I am still angry at God for taking away my baby and I'm really not doing as well as I think I am. While he still felt bad, he said "I'm glad it could be litmus test for you." Me too.